I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
