Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Mom said you looked used
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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