If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
