I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
