I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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