ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
