I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
