standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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