Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
