why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
