Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize