insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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