Plan B is the new Plan A
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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