chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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