My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Someone shattered a urinal.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
