I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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