My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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