Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
