Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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