every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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