At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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