god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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