No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize