Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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