You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
