he thought i was a dude.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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