thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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