After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize