and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
