I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize