kristin has been a bad kristin
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
