Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
wow bdsm is so cute
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
