I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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