i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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