My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
His hands were made for my vagina.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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