hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
