i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
