I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
