Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i wish my penis had a tongue
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
