According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
