Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
