Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
