Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
