Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
