i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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