My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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