just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize
