the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
