last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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