In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
