Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Randomize