We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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