i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
