One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
